of two cultures - H

I have a love-hate relationship with being of two cultures. What I appreciate about it is that I have a wider pool of experiences from which I can draw in order to connect with, relate with, and understand other people or a situation. I consider fewer things weird and instead interesting because they're different, and I think it makes me more open to trying new things. Sometimes it's amusing to me that I can choose whether I'm going to use Korean etiquette or American etiquette in different situations. It's kind of like I can decide who I'm going to be in a certain moment, and then I can be someone else in another. Both are me...at the same time I sometimes feel like neither is me...and then the question looms, "What does it mean to be me?" This is a question that recurrs constantly. I'm beginning to understand that this is what it means to be me, to always feel this kind of tension, to feel comfortable, yet uncomfortable b/c I'm floating somewhere in between the two, not Asian, not American, but Asian-American.

Sometimes what's most difficult is when I choose one culture's values over the other, for example, choosing individuality and independence over identifying with the group and denying myself for the sake of the group. There's always a voice in my head that wonders if I made a bad decision. I wonder, "Maybe that was wrong of me or I was being selfish." It happens all the time, and I have to argue with myself to convince myself that it's okay to be independent from the group. Another example is that I don't always cook at home. Sometimes I leave it up to E to cook dinner and often to do the dishes, and again, I have to convince myself that this is okay. The Asian and American parts of me are often in conflict. This is the part I hate and the part that can be exhausting sometimes. Why can't I just have one mode of thinking and one mode of operation and do everything according to that rather than to have to choose and constantly feel like I made a bad decision. It also doesn't help that I don't think I fully know the ins and outs of either culture - definitely not of Korean culture.