J - H

So, J's been waking up at around 2-3AM every day for about a week. She calls for mommy and then wails if I don't come. So, I lay down next to her, and she doesn't sleep for over an hour, and I can't either b/c if I move the slightest bit in a way that she didn't want, she throws a tantrum. So, E's decided that it's time he put her to bed every night and he go to her room when she's wailing in the middle of the night. Of course, she wailed for over an hour to get me to come to her room last night. She said everything she knew how to say. "Mommy up!" "Mommy, come!" "Mommy, wahyao?" (Where are you?) "See, Mommy!" "Daddy, move." "Mommy, lay down. Ju-yah's bed." "Mommy's room." ...and so it went for over an hour. It's kind of cute and impressive, but at 4AM, I'd rather be sleeping in some peace and quiet. Needless to say, I'm quite exhausted and wishing for those childfree days I took for granted.

I guess b/c J feels so close to me, I'm the lucky one that gets to experience the worst of her tantrummy behavior. B/c I so love her, and so want to give her what she wants, I have a hard time laying down the line. We've been doing that more lately, however, and I think she's starting to understand that she doesn't get everything she demands. It's not that she wants things like food or toys. She mostly wants me not only to hold her but carry her around, and then she wants me not to leave when I have a meeting to go to b/c she wants me to put her to bed. I think she demands that the most these days.

I was sad thinking about how I won't be able to be part of her bedtime ritual anymore. Maybe we can resume when she's a little older and not so attached to me. I hope she doesn't feel abandoned by me b/c I don't come when she calls. It's hard to hear her crying so specifically for me and for such a long time and then have to ignore it. I was consoled when she woke up and walked into our room this morning and she wasn't mad at me. Children are the best like that. They don't hold grudges very long if at all.

One cool thing about J these days is that she's starting to care about people outside of herself. So, she saw that I was upset earlier today, and she wanted to get out of her high chair (It was during her dinner.) to come to me. So, she sat on top of me, gave me a kiss on the cheek, and proceeded to stroke my chin and cheek. Then she says, "Happy!" as in I'm happy now b/c she gave me a kiss and stroked my face. I think that's super cool, that she's starting to care about me too.

Having a kid is seriously the most difficult thing I've ever done. Just thinking about having a second is overwhelming. I don't think I'll make it to 4 kids.