Just wondering - H

Lately, I've been thinking about what it'll mean to have 4 kids and only be on one income. I don't know whether I'll go back to work or not, but there are no plans to that end. I think it'll be loads of fun having such a big household, but at the same time I know there are a lot of expenses that come with having a large family and a lot of wants. Will I be one that will be able to make the most of the time and whatever resources we have for my kids? I really do believe that kids don't require as much in the way of material possessions and experiences as we may think. I remember that from my own childhood, and when I think about the experiences that I give J now, I realize that I do it b/c I can and I want to, "I" being the operative word. While she enjoys the classes and such, I could just as well find other alternatives that she would enjoy just as much, say playing with the neighborhood kids regularly and doing creative things at home. I guess if I sign up for something, then I'm saving the time and energy it takes to do it myself. Anyway, it may be a struggle to at all times keep in mind that time with my kids and guiding them is most important. I so want to be able to raise my children into people with character, that are full of the stuff that make truly good, noble people. Lord, lead us. Help us to do this.

I was really struck to the core today at church when we were learning about human trafficking, particularly the sex trade industry. I think God gave me a glimpse of his broken heart for these young children. He's so full of sorrow for them when he sees what they are enduring and how it wasn't meant to be like this. I was so full of sorrow, and I think it was God showing me his heart for these children.

When I hear about things like this, I feel like there's such a large chasm between the life I live and the heart of God. I don't quite know how to explain what I'm feeling, but I feel like it's so disjointed, that what I live is so separate from what is really important. I don't know how to reconcile it. The answer I most often hear is that we can't simply give everything away and live in that way. It's not going to really make much difference anyway. I understand that, but that answer doesn't sit well with me. It strikes me as being more about self preservation than about concern for living righteously. What does it mean to be among the affluent in the most affluent country in the world? How do we wield that responsibility rightly? What is the answer? Maybe it's different for everyone. Maybe God's calling for me in particular is to give and surrender all, and maybe that's why I'm bent that way. Some part of me could believe that, but this answer just doesn't satisfy me completely. Lord, what's the answer?