Cinnamon rolls, identity, and thanks - H

So, on my 3rd try of the recipe, we'll see how the rolls turn out. I was in a hurry and added the yeast a step too late this time. It didn't make too much of a difference in taste but probably in texture. Some of the dough noticeably had a higher concentration of yeast than the rest. The third time's a charm as they say, and I followed the recipe exactly except that I let the dough rise much longer than the recipe said to. I just didn't have time to work on it earlier. I hope that means fluffier rolls. I'm imagining something like Cinnabon. We'll see.

I don't usually take this much time to perfect something like this. I can't remember a time where I tried out a recipe before I tried it on guests. I often chose a recipe and have served it to guests the first time I'd ever made it, and that's worked for me in the past. I've often had success with recipes and cooking, but that's not been the case of late. (I've felt so embarrassed about it, actually.) There are a lot of things that contribute to this lack of success, like the fact that we switched to grass-fed beef and that as a result I'm cooking dishes that are completely foreign to me and that should be adapted to the lower fat-content of the meat. For example, I've never cooked a roast until we had several sitting in our freezer this year. I didn't grow up eating roasts and just had no concept of how to prepare something like that. I don't think it would be accurate to blame my latest culinary blunders on those things though. I just haven't executed them properly.

I think it's hard to maintain an identity independent from that of your role as a mother when that's all you do 24 hours a day. At least, I'm beginning to realize that's true for me. Maybe it's that I associate that identity with the activities in my life, and maybe that's not the best or healthiest thing...although it's not that my identity rests solely on external things, and so I don't think it's an unhealthy thing in my case. It's just that the bulk of my time, mental and physical energy, and activities revolve around J, and so that currently defines my life. I miss the other things that I was about at some other point in my life, but as J's primary care-taker, I just don't have the space (mental or physical) for those things. So, when I feel the itch, it manifests itself in something like 4 batches of cinnamon rolls in a week. It's something I can fit in to my day.

On another note, it's amazing the complete freedom I now have after God brought some healing into my life. It's been years and years, I'd say 10 - 15. I wonder why that's true, but I'm more thankful for the freedom than anything else. Thanks, Lord! I suppose it was time, eh?