A positive parenting moment - H
I'm going to go ahead and pat myself on the back for a parenting moment that I'm proud of.
So, I realized today the benefit of taking J to play in public places like the park or children's museums where kids are likely to get into conflict is good not only for her but for me to learn what I need to do in those situations. Eventually, J will take care of those conflicts on her own, but she hasn't learned those skills yet, and so we have to teach them to her. This latter point was a helpful realization too b/c I've been wondering when I should jump in and when I should let her resolve things on her own thinking that I should already be letting her take care of herself. I am butting in less and less, but today I realized that she hasn't yet acquired the skills to resolve larger conflicts on her own.
Anyway, here's what happened. We were at the children's museum today, and there were a lot of kids there. J was playing at the sandbox where there was just one other kid at first. Others came later, and these 2 girls in particular started overtaking J's space and then gradually started taking all the toys she was playing with. Now, I know there's some amount of that that happens in public places like this, but these two were particularly bad and it bothered J a lot. She actually couldn't stop looking at them and go on with playing. I was wondering if she might just be watching them b/c she likes watch older kids playing, but after a few minutes she said something that was swallowed up in the noise. So, I crouched down next to her and we talked about it, and she said, "I'm sad." I asked why, and she responded, "B/c they're taking my toys." So, I clarified that by repeating what she said, but she responded, "No. I'm mad."
Well, so I decided that she should have her first shot at expressing her thoughts and feelings to these kids, who by the way were at least twice as old as J. We've been trying to have her tell us how she's feeling in order to avoid some tantrums at home, but it's never been to anyone else that she's done this. So, I asked J if she would tell one of the girls how she's feeling, and I got the girl's attention. J expressed it very quietly, and it was hardly audible, so I repeated it to the girl that J wanted to let her know that she's mad that you've been taking her toys.
I could tell that the girl knew she was wrong, but it seems that they may be indulged at home more than taught much about appropriate social interaction with people outside of their family. I later saw one of the girls having a tug-of-war with another girl much younger than she over another toy in a different part of the room.
So anyway, I'm proud of this moment b/c I think it was a good teaching moment for J. She clearly felt wronged but powerless to do anything about it, and I hope that this is the first of many moments where she has the opportunity to learn that she can at the very least express her feelings about it rather than to silently take a beating or in other words be a doormat...or take the opposite approach and be aggressive about it. I hope that it's the beginning of good conflict resolution skills and that she learns better than I did about how to handle her feelings and communicate them.
I asked J about it later, and when E and I told her that it was not a very nice thing for someone to take her toys, she shook her head in agreement. Then she stated, "I played with other toys," as if she were satisfied with how everything went down in the end. That makes me feel good too.
So, I realized today the benefit of taking J to play in public places like the park or children's museums where kids are likely to get into conflict is good not only for her but for me to learn what I need to do in those situations. Eventually, J will take care of those conflicts on her own, but she hasn't learned those skills yet, and so we have to teach them to her. This latter point was a helpful realization too b/c I've been wondering when I should jump in and when I should let her resolve things on her own thinking that I should already be letting her take care of herself. I am butting in less and less, but today I realized that she hasn't yet acquired the skills to resolve larger conflicts on her own.
Anyway, here's what happened. We were at the children's museum today, and there were a lot of kids there. J was playing at the sandbox where there was just one other kid at first. Others came later, and these 2 girls in particular started overtaking J's space and then gradually started taking all the toys she was playing with. Now, I know there's some amount of that that happens in public places like this, but these two were particularly bad and it bothered J a lot. She actually couldn't stop looking at them and go on with playing. I was wondering if she might just be watching them b/c she likes watch older kids playing, but after a few minutes she said something that was swallowed up in the noise. So, I crouched down next to her and we talked about it, and she said, "I'm sad." I asked why, and she responded, "B/c they're taking my toys." So, I clarified that by repeating what she said, but she responded, "No. I'm mad."
Well, so I decided that she should have her first shot at expressing her thoughts and feelings to these kids, who by the way were at least twice as old as J. We've been trying to have her tell us how she's feeling in order to avoid some tantrums at home, but it's never been to anyone else that she's done this. So, I asked J if she would tell one of the girls how she's feeling, and I got the girl's attention. J expressed it very quietly, and it was hardly audible, so I repeated it to the girl that J wanted to let her know that she's mad that you've been taking her toys.
I could tell that the girl knew she was wrong, but it seems that they may be indulged at home more than taught much about appropriate social interaction with people outside of their family. I later saw one of the girls having a tug-of-war with another girl much younger than she over another toy in a different part of the room.
So anyway, I'm proud of this moment b/c I think it was a good teaching moment for J. She clearly felt wronged but powerless to do anything about it, and I hope that this is the first of many moments where she has the opportunity to learn that she can at the very least express her feelings about it rather than to silently take a beating or in other words be a doormat...or take the opposite approach and be aggressive about it. I hope that it's the beginning of good conflict resolution skills and that she learns better than I did about how to handle her feelings and communicate them.
I asked J about it later, and when E and I told her that it was not a very nice thing for someone to take her toys, she shook her head in agreement. Then she stated, "I played with other toys," as if she were satisfied with how everything went down in the end. That makes me feel good too.
posted by haed at 6:53 PM
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