Restlessness, stories about J - H
I think it's easy to wonder what is significant about your life as a SAHM...at least this is my question right now. It's not that I'm devaluing or undervaluing the choice to forgo a career to raise your children, but I'm wondering what more I can have along with that. I love, love, love being at home with J and am utterly grateful that I am the primary influence in her life and that I get to witness most of her cute little moments...along with the not-so-cute ones. I think I'm just a bit restless though, and I don't know what it'll be like a couple of years down the road. Will I be able to move forward with my own projects and will I even have ideas and projects that I want to pursue...or will inertia have set in?
I'm a dreamer. When I think about doing something, I want it to become a big thing and have lots of impact in the world or whatever sphere it is. That's how I've always been. I dream big. I feel a little disappointed when I try to think realistically and consider that perhaps those will only be dreams locked up in my heart and never realized. I don't know when I decided it was a good idea to be realistic. Do realists leave their mark in history? I imagine that they just tell you the reasons why this and that can't be done and leave you deflated. Those are the kinds of things I've started to tell myself, and I put my own roadblocks up, one after another. Why? Why do I do that? Maybe it's fear. I don't know.
For now, though, I know that the kid that's arriving in less than 4 months is real, and that's what I need to attend to in the very near future. I need to be a mom. I do love it, but it's hard. There's a lot of dying to self that happens from the outset, from the moment you first experience morning sickness, and it just continues and never ends. I've certainly experienced the rewards of being a mom. For example, I was hanging out on the couch with J the other day, and she lays her head on my belly and said, "I love you, Mommy," completely unprompted. I'm delighted by her and I love the person she is, but there are two sides to a coin, n'est-ce pas?
I'll close with some stories about J. With her it seems that memorable things happen in spurts, so here are a few.
I've been listening to a lot of P. Wickham lately. For about a week, maybe more, I had his latest album playing constantly. Well, J learned some of the songs, their lyrics and melodies. So, the other day, E was bathing her and she asked for a Phil Wickham song. So, he played a random song to which she said, "No." It was the wrong one. Then she starts singing the electric guitar part to the song "Cannons" to which E replied something to the effect of, "Oh, I know exactly which song you want."
On the bike ride today, we were both quiet for a moment. Then J says, "I'm a big girl!" She's into being a big girl these days. We don't emphasize it that much. We'll applaud her efforts or new accomplishments by telling her she's such a big girl sometimes, but she's into it. She likes being a big girl.
I was sweeping in the bathroom while J was playing in the living room. When I came out the front door was open and she was putting her shoes on. She was going out w/o telling me. She said, "I'm going to G3." (This is what we call our accountability groups at church.)
I've been trying to get J to feel the baby moving in my belly or to be able to see it move. I'm trying to make it more concrete to her that there's a baby in my belly, not that my belly is my baby. Well, when I felt the baby moving, I took J's hand and put it on my belly, but then the baby stopped. I told her baby was sleeping. The next time though, just a few minutes later, she felt something, and she looked at me and said, "Baby's awake!" I forgot what she said next, but she often puts her head on my belly and give baby a hug and then a kiss. Sometimes she even asks to see baby (my belly), pats it, and hugs and kisses baby. She even sings songs for baby.
I took J for a bike ride today and we made a stop at the bookstore. On the way back, she didn't want to wear her helmet, so I waited until she was ready. That moment never came so I just forced the helmet on through her protest. She cried most of the way home, but on the way we talked about it, and I asked her if she was mad. She said, "No. I'm sad." I asked her why and she told me, "B/c Mommy put my helmet on." I'm astounded that she can articulate her thoughts and feelings as much as she can. My big girl indeed.
I'm a dreamer. When I think about doing something, I want it to become a big thing and have lots of impact in the world or whatever sphere it is. That's how I've always been. I dream big. I feel a little disappointed when I try to think realistically and consider that perhaps those will only be dreams locked up in my heart and never realized. I don't know when I decided it was a good idea to be realistic. Do realists leave their mark in history? I imagine that they just tell you the reasons why this and that can't be done and leave you deflated. Those are the kinds of things I've started to tell myself, and I put my own roadblocks up, one after another. Why? Why do I do that? Maybe it's fear. I don't know.
For now, though, I know that the kid that's arriving in less than 4 months is real, and that's what I need to attend to in the very near future. I need to be a mom. I do love it, but it's hard. There's a lot of dying to self that happens from the outset, from the moment you first experience morning sickness, and it just continues and never ends. I've certainly experienced the rewards of being a mom. For example, I was hanging out on the couch with J the other day, and she lays her head on my belly and said, "I love you, Mommy," completely unprompted. I'm delighted by her and I love the person she is, but there are two sides to a coin, n'est-ce pas?
I'll close with some stories about J. With her it seems that memorable things happen in spurts, so here are a few.
I've been listening to a lot of P. Wickham lately. For about a week, maybe more, I had his latest album playing constantly. Well, J learned some of the songs, their lyrics and melodies. So, the other day, E was bathing her and she asked for a Phil Wickham song. So, he played a random song to which she said, "No." It was the wrong one. Then she starts singing the electric guitar part to the song "Cannons" to which E replied something to the effect of, "Oh, I know exactly which song you want."
On the bike ride today, we were both quiet for a moment. Then J says, "I'm a big girl!" She's into being a big girl these days. We don't emphasize it that much. We'll applaud her efforts or new accomplishments by telling her she's such a big girl sometimes, but she's into it. She likes being a big girl.
I was sweeping in the bathroom while J was playing in the living room. When I came out the front door was open and she was putting her shoes on. She was going out w/o telling me. She said, "I'm going to G3." (This is what we call our accountability groups at church.)
I've been trying to get J to feel the baby moving in my belly or to be able to see it move. I'm trying to make it more concrete to her that there's a baby in my belly, not that my belly is my baby. Well, when I felt the baby moving, I took J's hand and put it on my belly, but then the baby stopped. I told her baby was sleeping. The next time though, just a few minutes later, she felt something, and she looked at me and said, "Baby's awake!" I forgot what she said next, but she often puts her head on my belly and give baby a hug and then a kiss. Sometimes she even asks to see baby (my belly), pats it, and hugs and kisses baby. She even sings songs for baby.
I took J for a bike ride today and we made a stop at the bookstore. On the way back, she didn't want to wear her helmet, so I waited until she was ready. That moment never came so I just forced the helmet on through her protest. She cried most of the way home, but on the way we talked about it, and I asked her if she was mad. She said, "No. I'm sad." I asked her why and she told me, "B/c Mommy put my helmet on." I'm astounded that she can articulate her thoughts and feelings as much as she can. My big girl indeed.
posted by haed at 2:49 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home