Going back to work (almost), J's first signs of independence - H

I almost went back to work. I had a chance to teach 1 section of bio, but I started getting really stressed about it since school starts in 4 days. When it came down to it, I don't think I really wanted to go back. I was trying to convince myself it was a good thing b/c people I talked to were all so excited about it, and it was the perfect situation. Then when I thought about it, I was wondering what everyone was so excited about. That's probably a good indication that going back was probably not the right choice. It would have been nice to get back into it in some respects, but the thought of lesson planning again and all the stress that would have been reintroduced into my life would have made me compromise a few things that I just don't want to compromise, the most important being my life at home with J.

It's a tough balance, I think, b/c I don't want my life to be all about my kids. I want her to see that I am not all about washing the dishes, doing laundry, vacuuming, and changing her diapers. I think it's important that she eventually see that I'm multidimensional and that I have interests and hobbies, a life that extends beyond the home too. Maybe that's for another stage of our lives, for when she's older and more independent and starting to try to find her place in the world. I'm not sure. For now, she's pretty attached to me and is pretty content and oblivious that I am a separate being. As far as J is concerned we are one. It's draining at times, but I know this won't last forever, so I'm enjoying it while it lasts.

I took J to the park yesterday afternoon to meet my old neighbor for some lunch at the park. J hung out with me for half the time but eventually wanted to explore the park. So, I went with her to ride a couple of things, but then this group of kids caught her eye so we walked over to see what they were doing. They were all much older than she, all school-aged kids. They were digging channels in the sand and filling them with water. She watched for a while, and then I showed her how to pick up the sand and put it in the water, so she'd pick up small handfuls and do that. She eventually sat down and played with the sand, and I left her to go and talk to my old neighbor. She stayed and played by herself. I was about 10 yards away, within eye shot, but she was on her own playing. This is the first time I left her alone to play at the park. We're usually playing together. (sniff, sniff) My baby is growing up. (I know I say this a lot, but it's true.)