Uncomfortable - H

I can't remember if I've written about this before, but I just wanted to talk about how parenting is the one thing that takes me out of my comfort zone the most. I will do things that I normally wouldn't do if it's to benefit J in some way. So, for example, I'll throw her a large party b/c I think she might enjoy it, and I want her to feel celebrated despite the fact that we have no family here. There's a lot that makes me feel uncomfortable about throwing a party, but for J, I'll do it. I'll talk to strangers at the park or kids I don't know in order to model for J friendliness and good social interaction in public places. I would normally keep to myself and pay no attention to other people, but for J, I'll do it. I want J to feel comfortable talking with adults and to feel like she's a valid individual even at the age of 2, so when she starts talking about random things to people, say the people we just met that are working on our backyard, I don't sweep her away and tell her to leave them alone although I'm inclined to every time. I feel bad that perhaps she's bothering them, but I let her converse with them about her 2 year old conversation topics. So, with the gardener, she stood at the back door with her pretend cell phone and called out to the gardener to tell him how she's calling Daddy and some other random things. I had to make a conscious effort to leave her there and let her talk to him, and he wasn't bothered by it. He actually engaged her, and I think he thought it was cute.

Anyway, I constantly feel like I'm doing things I wouldn't normally do b/c it's not just me that I'm making decisions for, but what I decide impacts how she develops socially, emotionally, her self-concept, etc., and I can't bear to think that I would later see a lot of my baggage manifest in her b/c I wouldn't face it...not that I think there will be zero transfer, but I want to do something about those things that I'm aware of at the very least. Gosh, I hope I'm doing a good job with her. We don't really know until much later if at all, and I feel like it's a lot of trial and error and that I make a lot of mistakes along the way. Lord, we really do need a downpour of grace and wisdom. Help us!

J went down for a nap relatively easily today. It may be that when she awoke to throw a tantrum last night, I didn't try to talk her to her about it which E thought might be the reason that she will stand next to our bed for 2 hours whining and complaining. Instead, I didn't say a word. I just reached down and gave her the occasional pat on the back. After 30 minutes, she went back to her room on her own and only called out that she was in her room to get some affirmation. So, it could be that or it could be that we spent some time together...or more accurately that I spent time with her, and I was mentally and emotionally present. Maybe it's the combination. Whatever it was though, I'm so glad that I get a break today. It's the first time in a while where I haven't had to battle Crankia over a nap. Thank goodness!